Live Life As You Will Recount it

Trying to get back to normal

2007-07-23T08:26:00.001-04:00

OK. I haven't been on here for quite some time. As many of you know, my aunt (who I was caring for) passed away from breast cancer in November and only two months ago my mother passed away after a three-year battle with the same disease. I'm back to school in September and am going to try and start writing here more often.

For now, here's the eulogy I read at my Mom's funeral. God, I really miss her.

Finding the best words to describe our mother has been very difficult. But when talking to all of her dear family, friends and co-workers over the past few days, Julie and I had so many people tell us how strong, determined and warm she was. It may seem funny, but Julie and I always thought of my mom as being like that, but we never realized that that was how other people viewed her. Your words brought back many memories for us about all the things she did for us growing up that really show what an exceptional, fun, and giving mother, friend, and employee she was during her incredible life.

When the three of us first moved to the States, Mom was bound and determined to create a good life for Julie and me. When she was looking for our first apartment, however, she experienced some difficulty. She found an apartment in Walpole that she wanted, but kept getting the run around from the building manager who clearly did not want to rent to a newly separated woman with a nine-year old and a twelve-year-old. Fulfilling her lifelong ambition of becoming a private investigator, Mom orchestrated her own undercover sting. She had my grandmother make an appointment to look at the apartment. The building manager almost immediately agreed to rent it to her. Infuriated, Mom then proceeded to contact the Fair Housing Association and had him threatened with legal action for discrimination. Needless to say, he eventually rented us the apartment. Granted, it wasn’t the greatest place to live (What thirty-six year old women wants to share a bedroom with her nine-year old daughter and live in an apartment building that is only a few yards from the train tracks and filled with senior citizens?), but it was ours and, more importantly, the three of us were together.

The home she created for us in Maryland was equally our own and even more so because of Mom’s strength, kindness, and, not to mention, her innate talent for interior decoration. Despite my parent’s divorce and the fact that we were miles away from our family, Mom made the best of what we had. Over the years, she constantly worked at re-painting and re-carpeting the house and more importantly she created a welcoming environment. The house was constantly filled with our friends. On any given day you would find Julie and her friends Laura and Ed playing computer games in the extra bedroom or my friends Bill and Stacey sitting in the family room munching on Cool Ranch Doritos while I forced them to watch the latest Madonna concert video over and over again. One summer she even let my sister’s college roommate Alissa and my high school friend Shannon move in because they had no place to stay. Julie and I are still secretly convinced the reason she did that was because Shannon worked during the summer as a driver for Domino’s and could provide Mom with an unending supply of pizza and because Alissa could bring home ice cream from her job at Friendly’s. My Mom’s open door policy also applied to animals; whether it was Holli, the dog we convinced my parents to reluctantly adopt at a moment’s notice on Christmas Day, Wendy, our dog who was a bizarre cross between a dachshund and poodle who never left Mom’s side, or even Kitty, the stray cat who followed Julie home from school one day and absolutely melted my Mom’s heart. You may be asking yourself, where was Mom in this whirlwind of teenagers and scruffy animals? Julie and I can still see her sitting at the dining room table doing her homework, going over her bills or compiling the list of chores for us that she would carefully place with a magnet over the stove every morning as a constant reminder throughout the day that we should be doing something productive. If she decided to join our group of friends in the family room we all usually groaned. This was because not only did one of us have to give up our seat on the coach so she could have her usual spot, but also because one of us would have to sit right next to the TV to change the channel at her request because she refused to pay the extra money to buy a remote for the cable box. Her rationale for this was, as she would say, “I can always get one of you kids to do it for me.”

Even with her active home life, Mom managed to still work full-time at the National Security Agency and work a part-time job on the weekends. Some will find it hard to believe but she actually worked for one day as a banquet waitress and barely lasted a weekend as a sandwich maker in a deli that she frequented because she loved their Italian pasta salad. She finally settled into a part-time job at a clothing store called Units. Mom ultimately became a walking advertisement for their outfits—the then fashionable bulky sweater/stirrup pants combination that was popular in the 90’s.

Probably one of her most crowning achievements was her educational success. Getting her undergraduate degree from the University of Maryland and her MBA from Johns Hopkins while raising two kids and working full-time wasn’t easy. She would always say to us, “If I can do it then so can you!” She would wake up at 4 in the morning to study, work at NSA from 7 until 4, study some more and then go to her night classes. She always reminded us how lucky we were to have the authentic college experience of living on campus, making new friends and getting the chance to truly learn and develop our individuality. Many of you will not know this, but she did get to experience campus life even if it was only for a weekend. One year while I was at Washington College, she decided to come and stay with me for Parent’s Weekend. She actually stayed in my dorm room and, unlike other parent’s who got upset when they learned that their children sometimes showered next to a member of the opposite sex, even showered in a co-ed bathroom. She also attended a keg party where she was reluctantly cornered into conversation with many a drunken college student. Julie and I are truly blessed that she was able to give us the gift of education.

There are so many other things about Mom that we could talk about: her: addiction to the Home Shopping Network, her love for the Sci-Fi Channel or how she wanted her oncologist to write “unlimited” as the quantity on her wig prescription even though she barely wore the one’s she ended up getting and only wanted to get the maximum benefit from the insurance company so that we could later donate them for other cancer patients who could not afford them.

Mom was determined until the end. Whether it was meeting up with friends in Maine, moving furniture and organizing our apartment, or just getting herself to work, she kept going until the end. She is and always will be the most remarkable woman Julie and I will ever know. The hardest thing for the two of us about her passing is that it has always been the three of us. No matter what, we have always been there for each other. It will forever be hard not to actually talk to her and tell her what is going on in our lives. I thank God for the mother, sister, friend and woman she was. We love the fact that she touched so many people’s lives and are grateful that she worked so hard at being such an amazing mother and courageous person.

A New Gay Manifesto

2006-03-07T10:26:00.000-05:00

I have to be honest. My thoughts on “Brokeback Mountain” not winning the Oscar for Best Picture are mixed. As a gay man, I am upset. Here was a gay-themed film that was honest, touching and illuminated the psychological workings of a gay relationship. In comparison to “Crash” did it deserve to win the award? I do not honestly know as I have not see “Crash”. Is Hollywood homophobic? Again, I do not know. What it does show is that despite it’s liberal tendencies, Hollywood is just as scared of homosexuality as mainstream America. I think the gay community really needs to take into consideration Ian McKellen’s remarks that were made a few weeks before the Oscars. If gay actors and actresses won’t come out, then can the gay community honestly expect the Academy to award their top prize to a film like “Brokeback”? In a sense, it was the gay community that was it‘s own undoing. But we must also realize that as a piece of art “Brokeback” was a step in the right direction. Unlike “The Birdcage” and other gay films (which use comical and sometimes laughable gay stereotypes to try and gain acceptance), “Brokeback” was a strong film that used the human condition to connect to audiences. However, it was made by straight people. Camille Paglia has said, “Let’s have a movement that brings art back, the cultural respect in America. The art world has been totally blind to its own PC leftism. So even though I’m a liberal Democrat, my primary allegiance is to art and the development of the young artist.” The gay community needs to rekindle it’s artistic spirit and once again create and use substantial art to inform the general audience. Just as my friend Damion writes, we need to use this moment to “awaken the sleeping giants.” His comments are a strong call to action. What I’d like to see is my fellow gay writers, critics, teachers and artists creating art that, like “Brokeback”, really speaks to people (not just themselves) and get them thinking. I think that over the past decade or so the gay and lesbian community has allowed the straight artistic community to speak for them. The gay and lesbians artists who are out there are appealing to the lowest common denominator in order to gain popularity. They are not creating art of sustenance. “Will and Grace”, which was initially considered a breakthrough for US television, relies on one-liners and overused stereotypes to appeal to the masses. Yes, the creators and writers of that show are gay, but they are doing a disservice to the gay and lesbian community. Gays and lesbians no longer take risks. Currently I’m just finishing up a biography of Allen Ginsberg. As a poet and as an activist, he was genuine leader who spoke to the masses. Maybe there needs to be a new gay, artistic manifesto. The gay community needs to take matters in their own hands and stir the pot. Take, for example, the UK version of “Queer As Folk”. Here was an intelligent and creative television show that was (in my mind) an honest portrait of gay life. And it was created by a gay man! Sure, it was controversial, but it was a compelling piece of work that brought gay issues to the British public. It showed both the good and bad of gay life. Let’s use this experience to really motivate ourselves and begin to speak for ourselves. To once again quote Camille Paglia, “Conflict cannot be avoided, but perhaps it can be confined to a mental theater. In the imperial arena, there is no law but imagination.”

Four

2005-12-28T07:44:00.000-05:00

Four jobs you've had in your life: donut finisher at Dunkin Donuts, grill cook at Friendly’s, Internet product manager, adult ed teacher

Four movies you could watch over and over: Secrets and Lies, Raise the Red Lantern, Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead, Cold Comfort Farm

Four places you've lived: Bedford, England, Misawa, Japan, Philadelphia, PA, Washington, DC

Four TV shows you love to watch: The Gilmore Girls, The Sopranos, Project Runway, Extras

Four places you've been on vacation: Sao Paolo, Paris, San Francisco, New Orleans

Four websites you visit daily: BBC, Drowned Madonna, Google, Headphone Sex

Four of your favorite foods: any pasta, boneless chicken marinated in sherry, sushi, chicken tikka masala

Four places you'd rather be: Primrose Hill in London, any used bookstore, any record store, a beach in Brazil

Favorite Music of 2005

2005-12-20T16:53:00.000-05:00

This is a short post. I haven’t felt much like posting lately, but since it is the end of the year I thought I would post my favorite albums of the year. My preference for each changes daily, so I’m just listing them randomly:

The Editors – The Back Room (import)
Madonna – Confessions On A Dancefloor
Gorillaz – Demon Days
Ladytron – Witching Hour
Various Artists – Brokeback Mountain Soundtrack
Nickel Creek – Why Should The Fire Die?
Mylo – Destroy Rock and Roll (import)
Rachel Stevens – Come And Get It (import)
Royksopp – The Understanding
Goldfrapp – Supernature (import)

Two albums that I really wanted to like but didn’t were Depeche Mode’s Playing The Angel and Robbie Williams’ Intensive Care (import). Although I will say that Robbie’s album was much better than DM’s.

Decadent Drinking

2005-11-01T14:46:00.000-05:00

A prof at Cooper Union is giving a lecture on absinthe. Has anyone out there ever tried it? Years ago in Philly, my friend Danni and her husband Jordan brought some back from the UK. They had a party and we all had some. To be honest, it really didn't do anything for me. So much for living like Oscar Wilde. It was a total letdown.

Writing, Reading, Listening

2005-11-01T14:11:00.000-05:00

I'm working on my midterm essay for my Victorian poetry class and I want to pull my hair out. Last year when I was writing my lectures/papers for my adult ed lit classes it was so much easier. I guess it was because I was dealing with subject matter that I had dealt with in the past. Now I find myself second guessing myself and scrutinizing over word choice, structure, EVERYTHING. It also doesn't help that the required length of the paper isn't really that long (five pages). I'm so used to writing 10-15 page papers.

When I'm not reading stuff for school, I've been reading Umberto Eco's The History of Beauty. It is a truly wonderful book. Part coffee table book, part commentary on what we see as being beautiful. The art work is great and I love the integration of popular culture and mass media. The book has been gathering dust on my book shelf since I bought it last Christmas. I'm glad I'm finally getting a chance to read it.

As usual, I've been listening to quite a few remixes lately. To me remixers are like literary critics. G. Wilson Knight wrote that literary interpretation is like "moving a delicate piece of furniture or machinery. Carry it bodily across and bits will be broken off. It must be carefully taken to pieces and rebuilt." A good remixer should present a solid interpretation of the song so it illuminates the original version . Remixes I've been listening to are:

"Precious" (Sasha’s Spooky Mix) - Depeche Mode
"From the Inside" (Junior Vasquez Mix) - Gioia Bruno
"Tribulations" (Tiga's Out Of The Trance Closet Mix) - LCD Soundsystem
"Guilt is a Useless Emotion" (Mac Quayle Vocal mix) - New Order

Rome bans goldfish bowls

2005-10-25T22:15:00.000-04:00

An interesting article.

Back in the 70's, as a four-year old living in England, I won a fish who I named Charlie at a local fair. We had to leave England a couple of years later so we gave him to our neighbours. When we moved back to England a few years later good old Charlie was still alive. In fact, he lived to be seven. The reason he died was that he froze to death. (That cold English air can be murder.) I don't think being stuck in a small bowl caused him any harm and it probably isn't doing fish any harm now. Maybe the Italians should actually change the water in the fish bowl.

2005-10-25T11:01:00.001-04:00

The Declining Role of Art and the Artist

2005-10-25T08:32:00.000-04:00

Last night I watched a documentary on PBS called “Get Up, Stand Up” that discussed the birth and development of protest music in the 20th century. The show covered all the basics including Bob Dylan, Live Aid and (of course) Bono. It was very informative and even included a significant section on Joe Hill, the man considered to be the father of the American protest song (Did you know that the phrase “pie in the sky” came from a Joe Hill song?). Throughout our short history, it is obvious that art, music and most recently celebrity have all played an important role in providing a voice for the American people through which they can show their concern with current events and the establishment. Considering the current state of world affairs, where are the artists and musicians now? The only example of a present day protest song in the documentary was System of a Down’s “Boom” and who even knows that song. As we sit back and watch the news from Baghdad scroll along the bottom of our television screens the death toll in Iraq is about to reach the 2,000 mark for military casualties. Even Madonna, the Queen of Controversy, chickened out two years ago and withdrew her much discussed “American Life” video from rotation on MTV. When I first saw the video, even I was astounded by its vivid war imagery. But after seeing the news footage of yesterday’s bombings in Iraq, her video is only more relevant. Instead we get her recently televised documentary that veils her call for social responsibility in a schmaltzy Kabbalah-driven lexicon . Even American poets seem to have more guts than Madonna, but (unfortunately) no one reads poetry anymore.

Despite having participated in my fair share of protests and marches, I am not a political activist. But I do believe that art can be used to illuminate the concerns of the people, whether it be the masses or the few. Today’s artists and musicians talk about making an impact through art, but now I’m starting to realize that they really are a part of the “Me Generation.”

Its No "Secret"...

2005-10-19T09:06:00.000-04:00

I don't have to tell you that I'm extremely excited about seeing Madonna's new documentary "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret" this Friday at 10 PM on MTV (they're actually showing it without commercials). It is supposed to be very much like "Truth or Dare". The early reviews from her fans are (as expected) excellent. While I'm not interested in being informed about Kabbalah, I do know it is a part of the film. What I'm most excited about is seeing the whole creative process behind the tour (which she didn't show in ToD) and Madonna as a mother.

We're covering Robert Browning this week in class and I found this passage from his poem "Cleon" which I feel has a lot of relevance to my last post.

Thou leavest much behind, while I leave naught.
Thy life stays in the poems men shall sing,
The pictures men shall study: while my life,
Complete and whole now in its power and joy,
Dies altogether and my brain and arm,
Is lost indeed: since what survives myself?

Thank God for Creative Friends

2005-10-17T11:48:00.000-04:00

This weekend I saw my friend Michael who recently independently published his first book. Seeing his work in print really got me thinking about everyone I know who has some of kind of talent or creative ability. I began to realize how lucky I am to know these people and be surrounded by them. But, then again, unlike Michael, most of my friends who are creative have set aside any artistic aspirations or goals to join the corporate rat race. Why have they done this? Many have decided to have children or homes and need to worry about financial stability rather than “living for their art.” And, in this day and age, creativity (at least in relation to writing, music and the other arts) really gets a bad wrap. For example, when I talk to my non-creative friends and relatives, they all ask me when I’m going back to work full-time. When I respond that I’m pursuing a degree in literature and hope to eventually write and teach rather than return to a soul-sucking Internet job, they look at me crossed-eyed. This reaction is both frustrating and debilitating. And I know it’s had an effect on other people I know. For example, there’s my friend Pat.

Pat lived across the hall from me my freshman year of college. Despite his sometimes infuriating personality, he is one of the most talented people I’ve ever had the pleasure of calling my friend. In college he produced a fantastic literary magazine and even launched an independent student newspaper which caused outrage among the administration, but was incredibly well-received by the student body. As a result of these controversial projects and his excellent fiction writing, Pat was awarded the Sophie Kerr Prize, the largest undergraduate literary prize in the country. We all expected Pat to go on and do great things.

After a brief stint as an intern at The Washington Post (which only caused him disillusionment), Pat set aside his creative aspirations and began a career as a proposal writer. Recently he attempted a return to writing, but once again became frustrated. While I know that he wasn’t exactly happy about the writing group he was a part of, there’s definitely more to it. There’s no health insurance or any of the other standard benefits. And, realistically, a person pursuing creative endeavors that don’t result in an instant profit isn’t considered to be responsible. Someone as talented as Pat should be writing! It’s what he was meant to do. So much emphasis is placed on earning gobs of money and living a cookie cutter existence, but without creative people there is no literature, art, and music. We need people like Pat to keep at it. My message to Pat and others reading: Keep the faith! Stick with it. And, most importantly, create!

Birthday Wishes

2005-10-14T13:12:00.000-04:00

The month of October has a few important days for my family. One of those is my sister's birthday this Saturday. Over the past twenty years, it has basically been my mother, sister and I looking out for each other. During the past two years, my sister has been amazing, especially in having to deal with my illness as well as my mother's. Julie, Happy Birthday! Thanks for everything you've done and everything you are. There is no better sister out there. I love you.

Return

2005-10-12T08:58:00.000-04:00

Well, I finally made it back yesterday. I'm usually a big fan of public transportation (especially since I haven't owned a car in about eight years), but what a pain it was getting back. Delays, traffic, crowds. You'd think that with the increase in gas prices things would be more efficient.

Of course now I'm back on the road up to Boston for class. We get comments on the first draft of our papers back tonight. I'm really curious to see what my prof has to say. I'm also a little nervous.

My trip to NYC was great and I had a blast seeing Bridgette, Morgan, Baby Peter, Heather, Sam and Sharon for dinner in Philly. Of course the whole evening was basically spent reminiscing about the good old days at Washington College (no thanks to the old photos, poems and newspapers Sharon brought along). We really need to make a trip to Chestertown.

Am eagerly awaiting the release of M's single next week. That will keep me happy for a little while.

Busy

2005-10-05T08:02:00.000-04:00

I've been busy over the past few days. I finally finished reading "In Memoriam," writing the first draft of my first paper and preparing to go spend a few days with with my best friends from college. I leave for NYC tomorrow AM. I'll be away until early next week. Hopefully something exciting will happen on my trip.

Have a great rest of the week.

Moving...again

2005-10-03T11:34:00.000-04:00

We’re moving at the beginning of the year. Not only have I been sick (but am incredibly healthy right now), my mother has breast cancer. Last year she had a double mastectomy and survived a round of chemo. After a recurrence a few months ago she had surgery and is about to go through radiation. In order for us both to remain healthy (and for me to stay in school), we’re going to move in with my aunt until my mother can get back on her feet again. At least we'll be closer to Boston.

This whole thing got me thinking about all the places I’ve lived. The list below is where I've lived after high school. If I include all the places I lived growing up (mostly England and Japan), this list would be even longer.

1989-1990-Caroline Dorm at Washington College with Andy

1990-1991-Caroline Dorm at WC (single room)

1991-1992-Kent House Dorm at WC (single room)

Fall 1992-Kent House Dorm at WC (single room)

Spring 1993-Apartment on Washington Avenue in Chestertown, MD with Professor J. Wright

Summer 1993-My mother's house in Maryland

Fall 1993-August 1994-Studio apartment ($450 a month) above Fox and Hounds on 17th and Q Streets, Washington, DC

September 1994-July 1995-Constable Terrace Residence Hall, University of East Anglia, Norwich, England

August 1995-October 1995-My mother's house in Maryland again

November 1995-February 1996-Basement apartment on Connecticut and R Streets, Washington, DC

February 1996-April 1997-Huge apartment above Trio’s Pizza (first with Deb, then with Lance) on 17th and Q Streets, Washington, DC

April 1997-June 1997-Winchester family farm (with Bridgette), Landenburg, PA

July 1997-June 1998-Apartment on 10th and Bainbridge Streets (with Bridgette), Philadelphia, PA

July 1998-October 2002-Apartment (with amazing deck) on 10th and Bainbridge Streets, Philadelphia, PA

October 2002-February 2003-Dad’s house in Langford, England

February 2003-December 2003-House with my cousin Philippa in Biggleswade, England

January 2004-March 2004-Brigham and Women’s Hospital, Boston, Mass. (I was REALLY sick.)

March 2004-Present-My mother's apartment on Cape Cod

On Reading: Brazil, 80's Pop and Gay Love in Tennyson

2005-10-03T08:26:00.000-04:00

The first article in the news headlines this morning that caught my eye was this story about an illiterate Brazilian man who began collecting used books to start a community library. Hurray! Books really are a gateway to a life of greater possibility.

Two great friends of mine who I met while living in Philadelphia are Brazilian and I had the opportunity to visit their country twice. The class divisions in this still developing nation are incredibly apparent. While I was there I was able to live in the lap of luxury (maids, drivers, and four star meals), all thanks to my friend Alberto’s family. But surrounding the city of Sao Paulo are villages of shacks and the crumbling homes of a devastatingly poor people. If you ever get the chance, visit this country and support their economy. Brazilians are wonderful people and I will always have a place in my heart for their country.

My friend Michael has just published his book Flashbacks to Happiness : Eighties Music Revisited. Congratulations Michael. He has been working tirelessly on this project for the past year. It’s a collection of orginial interviews with singers/songwriters from the 80’s. He interviewed such artists as Club Nouveau, Tiffany and the very hot Paul Lekakis (“Boom Boom (Let’s Go Back To My Room)”).

Today I will be immersing myself in Tennyson’s “In Memoriam”. This is his most famous poem and is considered to be representative of the Victorian Age. He wrote it following the death of his best friend Arthur Henry Hallam. Tennyson began writing this epic work in 1833 and finished it in 1850. Talk about dedication! Supposedly many critics consider it a love poem because it is a man writing about another man. I will reserve judgment for now. It makes me wonder whether a man can write lovingly about another man without it being considered a gay work. Take D.H. Lawrence. Yes, many of his works are filled with what can bee seen as homoerotic imagery, but his idea of male friendship is much more cerebral than physical.

Note: Thank you to everyone for your kind words during my meds crisis. HDAP claims that my coverage will kick in this week. This, of course, is after a very kind pharmacist was able to backdate my health insurance (which cut off my prescription plan) so I could get my pills for $80.

Do you really stand out?

2005-10-02T18:12:00.000-04:00

I read something quite interesting in The Harvard Crimson this week. The university is still being criticized for their grade inflation and students are concerned about how that will affect their GPA. The author of the article (who is serving as the mouthpiece for the Crimson staff) obviously disagrees with any changes to the grading policy and writes, “At Ivy League schools, it is hard to quantify excellence as a relative measure because so many of us are legitimately ‘excellent.'” I agree that professors shouldn’t be limited to the amount of A’s they award. However, the problem may be that the standards of the professors aren’t rigorous enough. Does anyone really want to graduate with a class where 91% (in 2001) are awarded Latin honors (summa, magna and cum laude) Your degree may be from Harvard, but do you stand out from the crowd? Maybe the problem isn’t the establishment of a new system but what is expected of the students.

Plus they just recently changed their requirements for Latin honors. Until last year, to graduate cum laude you had to have a 2.83 GPA (now you need a 3.33). At my undergraduate institution you had to earn a 3.4 GPA to be awarded cum laude. My class of around 220 graduated 35 people with Latin honors (almost 16%) and less than 1% of other graduates (including myself) earned departmental honors (a 3.5 GPA in their major courses and honors on their thesis or comprehensive exams). While Washington College is certainly not Harvard, I feel that my degree is a real accomplishment when compared to that of others--Ivy League or not.

I will add that I have no experience as an undergraduate at Harvard, nor do I have any friends who completed their degree there. I guess that’s because my college friends (a majority whom graduated with honors) aren't that "excellent."

Cape Cod AIDS Walk 2005

2005-10-01T18:42:00.000-04:00

Here's the speech I gave at today's AIDS Walk on Cape Cod. Sadly, only about 20 people attended. I might add that the band who was going to perform at the event backed out at the last minute to do a benefit for Hurricane Katrina. I think this really illuminates the second half of my speech.

This past week, I saw two things that I would like to share with you.

Earlier in the week when I was sitting on a bench outside of a Boston hospital, a man came over and sat next to me. He was thin, gaunt, and obviously sick. The fact that he had AIDS was confirmed when I overheard his cell phone conversation. He used the words “viral load” and, most importantly “case manager”. I couldn’t stop thinking about him all day. At first I couldn’t figure out why, but then I finally realized it was because almost two years ago I was that man. I too was frail, weak and weighed about 110 lbs. The only difference was that I was in a hospital bed with five drains in my chest and back, working desperately to drain the cottage cheese-like fluid that had developed inside my lungs and around my heart because of pneumonia. Today I look and feel like a different person. I am one of the fortunate. I survived and am surviving. Without my family, friends, doctors, social workers, and case manager, I would not be here today. In order for anyone with HIV/AIDS to survive and be strong, we need our family and friends, we need our doctors, we need our case manager, we absolutely need the services provided by the AIDS Support Group. Whether it’s as simple as having a place to go to see a friendly face, for food that we can’t afford when we’re sick, or for a ride to our doctor’s appointments, the AIDS Support Group is a necessity for us. That’s why it’s so important that you are here today to support their services.

The second thing I saw was something in a documentary on transgender college students. One of the people being profiled showed his backpack to the cameraman. Attached to it was a multitude of ribbons: one for people with disabilities, one for domestic violence, one for breast cancer, and finally the red AIDS ribbon. I applaud anyone who supports a cause, but after seeing this I became concerned. We live in a world that is not kind. There are people with cancer, there are people who have recently lost all that they own because of Hurricane Katrina, and there are still people dying from AIDS. But, to be honest, for a lot of people, AIDS is not a part of the picture or is just one cause of many. However, it does affect everyone whether it is mothers, fathers, men, women, your neighbors or friends. At this point, we have no choice but to keep working to fight this disease and keep helping people with the disease. Everyone needs to know that AIDS is not a “flavor of the month” cause to support. Yes, there’s Bono out there talking about AIDS in Africa, but years ago it was different. The cause was much more visible and out there. Unfortunately, support has faltered and we can’t let that happen. Don’t let your concern and support for this cause get lost in the shuffle. Keep doing what you’re doing and we can continue to make a difference.

I want to thank all of you for being here. This event, the AIDS Support Group and the battle against this disease depends on you. Please continue your support. Remain aware, be thoughtful and let’s all work together until our job is done.

Places to visit, Meds, and Madonna (of course)

2005-09-30T07:42:00.000-04:00

I've added two links to this site.

The first is my friend Heather's blog. Heather and I went to college together. We read Cervantes, Shakespeare, Gide and Proust together. We drank and got naked together. We were also partners in crime during my days in Philadelphia. She's currently finishing her graduate degree at Penn in creative writing. Her final writing project is a memoir based on her experiences as she cared for her mother while she was dying from ovarian cancer. Her writing is raw and brutally honest. So is Heather. Read her stuff. Anyone who has had to deal with cancer or a sick parent will relate. Her project is still young, but she's really going somewhere with it.

Damion's Queering the Apparatus is a site I randomly found. It's a site that combines all that I love. Pop culture, gay culture, and the wonderful world of academia. Plus, Damion's a really great guy.

Over the past few weeks I've been on the phone constantly with my doctors, case manager and HDAP. About a month ago someone dropped the ball and my HDAP was not renewed. Also, my MassHealth coverage ended because my income was too high (please laugh here). As a result, I had no prescription plan and couldn't afford my anti-viral medication. They are extremely expensive!!! I'm in the process of trying to renew my HDAP, but their application process now takes up to seven weeks rather than the usual one week. I've heard this is because of government red tape and not much funding. Getting meds to tide me over is crazy. There are others out there with HIV/AIDS who are in much worse situations than I am. The world is a crazy place. Everyone is asking for money for something whether it be tsunami relief, the Katrina evacuees, or cancer research. Don't let AIDS get lost in the shuffle. I recently saw this documentary where a student/political activist had nine ribbons on his backpack. I'll be honest in saying that's a bit much. The cause shouldn't be a "flavor of the month".

Finally, I don't need to tell anyone that I'm chomping at the bit for Madonna's new CD, "Confessions on a Dancefloor". If you want to hear an official dub version of the first single (released by Warner Brothers to tide us over), sign yourself up for a free trial of Sirius. They're playing it constantly on their dance channel "The Beat". The song samples ABBA's "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme". Madge is finally releasing the album we've all been waiting for even before "Ray of Light". It's going to be all dance!

Tennyson, Gide, and a Good Friend

2005-09-29T23:15:00.000-04:00

Well, I started my first class at Harvard last week. I’m taking Victorian Poetry and Non-Fictional Prose. I haven’t taken a poetry class since I was an undergraduate at Washington College (Romanticism and Contemporary Women’s Poetry), so my poetry reading skills are a bit rusty. I will say that I like the professor. Her approach is pretty old school. She emphasizes textual analysis (a la Cleanth Brooks) much like my mentor. Our first class was on Tennyson. I was very surprised by him. Granted, he was poet laureate of England, but that doesn’t always mean anything. I think my first paper is going to be on the conflict between the artist’s moral responsibility and his desire to live for his art. Tennyson is actually very much like Andre Gide. He too was conflicted by his attraction to the sensuous world and his strict religious beliefs and upbringing. Definitely read him if you get the chance! I highly recommend The Immoralist. That work really encompasses what he says throughout almost all of his writing. Plus it was one of the books (along with Wilde's Dorian Gray) that I wrote my undergrad thesis on.

This weekend I will be speaking at the Cape Cod AIDS Walk. I’m still working on what I’m going to say, but when I’m finished I’ll post it.

I’ve recently reconnected with a good friend of mine who I went to school with at the University of East Anglia. He recently published two books on D.H. Lawrence. One is his dissertation, the other he co-edited with prominent Lawrence scholar John Worthen. Right now my budget is pretty tight, so I can’t really afford to buy them. I will say that Andrew was the person who got me interested in Lawrence. His graduate work (as I remember) was incredibly insightful and thoughtful. He seems to have made quite an impression with the Lawrence scholars over here. However, he really didn’t enjoy university politics and is no longer teaching. Instead he’s chosen to pursue a career in publishing. He also just signed a contract with Cambridge University Press to do another book on Lawrence. I wish him luck.

A Beginning

2005-09-25T10:57:00.000-04:00

"Rather than recounting his life as he has lived it, he must live his life as he will recount it."

Andre Gide, Journals, 1892